Rosalie

I was blessed with the best family in the world. From my annoying big brothers and opposite-of-me sister, to the parents I sometimes swear I'm not related to, to my numerous cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. The legacy goes on and on.

How often do you see an entire family that actually truly enjoys spending time together? I get to see that with my family every day.

Early this morning my grandma passed away surrounded by her family. What makes this even more beautiful, is that this wasn't just a rare occurrence brought on by her declining health - this was simply a wonderful snapshot in the album of my family's life.

Grandma has been in an assisted living home for 8 years now - she has suffered from Dementia and Parkinsons for many, many years. Last night, before she passed away, my entire immediate family sat around her and shared some of our favorite stories of her and Grandpa. You know a love is strong when you can feel it in a dark, small, cold assisted living room.

I was very young in Grandma's healthier days - so while I have some amazing memories, they are limited (at lease compared to my siblings). However, I think one of the best ways to remember someone is by how they have impacted other people. How their life and their actions have inspired other people to live. You can tell alot about a person by looking at the lives of those closest to them.

This brings me to my mother.
I know my Grandma was an amazing woman; I know this because I know my mother.

As I said above, my grandma was in an assisted living home for 8 years. My mom has visited her multiple times per week (often daily) for the entirety of her time there. From the beginning stages of just simple forgetfulness to not being able to speak, my mom has patiently and lovingly been by my Grandmas side through everything.
I get to see love in her every single day and because of that I know I see a little bit of Grandma every single day. 

My grandma is now in heaven. Pain free. Happy. No more dementia. No more limitations. Next to my grandpa. Next to her parents. Next to God. As I hugged her goodbye last night, I whispered in her ear to say hi to my grandpa and Jesus for me. And you know what? I know she did. Because that's just the type of woman she is.

I'll see you soon, Grandma. I have some more things to do on earth still. But I hope that my life is a reflection and a continuation of the life that you lived and the life that my mom still lives.

"This is what you do. If you feel low, you stand tall. You mess up, you move on. You want to try something, try it, and if it was a stupid thing to try, you look it in the eye. There’s no turning back. You apologize if you’re sorry, but know that the nimblest, strongest hands can’t rebuild a bridge out of embers, so cut new wood. Start from scratch. You love with your whole heart. If you’re jealous, talk yourself from the ledge. If you can’t talk yourself down from the ledge, have a good time up there, looking down on the world. If you have to lie to make everything true again, lie like you mean it. If you find yourself in a cage, reach out through the bars for the key, unlock the door, and run away. If running away gets dangerous, run home. If home doesn’t mean what it used to mean, decide what home will be in the future.If your best friend says she doesn’t trust you, hold her jaw in your hand until it hurts, and make her face you. That's all it takes. If you think you love a guy, see how his hand looks in yours, thats all it takes. If you get exiled into a new land, then go discover it. And if you feel like you’re drowning, go swimming."

- Hobson Brown

Innocence.

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Pretty music and Monday afternoon thoughts.

Press play and read on.


Today is April 15.

I am willing to assume that approximately 105 days ago you made some sort of resolution for the year ahead. Yes, even those of you who claim not to be the resolution sort.
I can say this with all the confidence in the world because I happen to be one of those people.

No, maybe I didn't write out a list of concrete goals such as "this year I will exercise five days a week" or "this year I will give up drinking soda". No, nothing like that.
But nevertheless, somewhere deep inside of me, I had a goal in mind for myself when I awoke on January 1.
I guess I'm not even sure if I should call it a goal. Maybe more like a desire for myself.
Hope even.

105 days later, I now ask the generic question that I'm sure you are expecting from a blog like this...
these resolutions, goals, desires, expectations, hopes, whatever you call them....where are they now?

I can't stop thinking that perhaps our way of thinking about new years and "resolutions" is, in fact, just a reflection of  how messed up humanity is. I know - big jump from resolutions to humanity.
But think about it for a minute-

We value new years. Why?  Because it is rare. It happens only once a year. It is our big chance to prove to ourselves or to others that we are capable of being the person that we desire and hope to be.
It is our opportunity to turn things around, fix what's broken, and to make this chapter of our lives different from the all the previous chapters.

The question that's been swirling in my mind is why isn't this mindset present every new month? Every day is new, so why can't I wake up every morning with as much passion for change as I do on January 1.
Is is really only the rareness of the new year that is driving me to make these changes?

Its a maddening unending cycle. We all know at some point we will fail at our resolution. No matter how dedicated and how determined we are, it simply is not possible to be perfect.
At some point, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we're going to give in and not follow through with what we desired for ourselves.

Then comes the moment when we realize we've failed. 
Once we've failed once it becomes easier to fail again.
And so the cycle just continues. We give up on ourselves, we make excuses for ourselves, we blame ourselves, we blame others, and we go about our year in entirely the same way as the previous. Never realizing it, until the next new year comes along.

I could write a lot longer on this, but what I think I'm trying to say, is when will we stop looking everywhere else for what's right in front of our faces? A new year is not needed for change or a second start. Nothing new is needed.
Every day is simply a repeated version of the day before - and it's our every day choices in the present moment that dictates what happens next.

Sure, a new year feels fresh and new, and yes, the rareness of that makes it kind of beautiful.
But I think what's even more rare and more beautiful is a person who doesn't look behind them to the failures of the past. Someone who doesn't look ahead of them making empty promises of how they will live their life from "now on". But rather, someone who continuously makes the present moment one that is so alive and full of love, that there is no need for resolutions.

   “All that is important is this one moment in movement. Make the moment important, vital, and   
                                                 worth living; don't let it slip away unused."
                                                              ― Martha Graham

I want one.

There is always something going on that is larger than us.

The meaning of life

Came upon this today and was fascinated by it. 

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

It feels like

It's time I start writing again.

awake.

awake.

last night I had this word tattooed onto my wrist. For those who are curious of what it means to me, continue reading.

I decided I wanted this word as a tattoo in the fall of 2010. I got the idea from Ephesians 5. In verse 14 it says "for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said,
    “Awake, O sleeper,
      rise up from the dead,
      and Christ will give you light.” 

If you read the whole chapter, it's all about living a life the glorifies God - examples: living a life of love, making the most of every opportunity, turning from darkness and walking in the light. 
(For it to really click in your head, Try reading it from The Message translation/paraphrase.   Ephesians 5 - The Message Translation)

I wanted this word tattooed in 2010 for the purpose of reminding myself how I should be living my life - following all the things that are in that chapter.

Today, in 2012, this word means even more to me.

In the shortest explanation possible and necessary to get my point across, 2011 was both the best and the worst year of my life. I started the year with everything I "needed" and ended it with a very broken heart, damaged friendships, no place to live, and a wide open unknown future in front of me.

Since then, there have been many moments where I have had no idea of what to do with myself - I felt like I was living in a blur and had lost everything that I had actually cared about or worked for.

This word "awake" has been one of the things that gotten me through.
When I look at my wrist:
I remember awake.
Awake and decide what I am living for. My own pursuit of happiness? Or God's path for me?
Awake and realize that I will never get this day back. I can live it bitterly and watch it speed by or live it with gratefulness, thankfulness, and passion for the unknown.
Awake and realize that yes, people may hurt me, people may let me down, my dreams may get absolutely crushed into a million pieces, but...
Awake and keep moving forward, not holding onto the past, but learning from it and trusting that God has something better for me.
And finally, even when I fail completely and spend an entire day being bitter over things I cannot control, refusing to be thankful for the thousands of blessings that God has blessed me with, selfish and distrusting, it is a reminder to awake and remember that Gods faithfulness, grace, and mercies are new every morning.

Best things in life:

Those little moments that make life worth it...

1. Deciding you like someone.
2. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
3. Lying in bed, listening to the rain.
4. Bubble baths.
5. Giggling.
6. Long conversations really late at night.
7. Lying on the beach.
8. Running through sprinklers.
9. Laughing at an inside joke.
10. Laughing at yourself.
11. Laughing so hard your stomach hurts.
12. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
13. Friends.
14. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

Beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and

fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God

that is in us.

It's not just within some of us, it's in everyone.

When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give

to other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

(Excerpted from Nelson Mandela's inaugural speech, 1994)

(written by Marianne Williamson)

“You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ~Rainer Maria-Rilke

Thoughts on newness

I have not written in awhile. I've had a lot of ideas...but I've kinda left them as that. Merely floating around in my mind....like those birds.
So here I am, finally putting into words one of my thoughts these last few weeks.

"Today is never to late to be brand new"

Not even just that...but have you ever stopped and thought about this - that every person in your life that you care about, was at one point nothing to you.

Do you realize the significance of that? That thought just nailed me the other day....

Okay, let me break it down. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm the only person in the world who thinks this is fascinating. But regardless, I want to share it.

Losing someone. Being back at square one. Being alone....or to summarize, starting over, feels hopeless sometimes. It seems like a huge burden, incomprehensible. Pointless. Impossible. I know this, trust me.

But for a moment, think about what you lost. Whatever you lost, had a beginning. That beginning was once nothing which grew into something, which turned out to be so beautiful...which is why you are feeling hopeless that you lost it. Are you still following me?
So therefore, you are not hopeless right now. Starting over is not impossible, because you could be days, minutes, or merely moments away from meeting someone, encountering something, that may start as nothing, turn into something, and go on to change your life.


I know the way I wrote that probably made that hard to follow, Give me a shout of if you know what I'm trying to say. Or ask me a question if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Basically, YOU, the person reading this (maybe just myself, but that's okay, I  really do need to take my own advice)  no matter what you've lost....it's not the end. It's never too late to be brand new. Everything starts as nothing....so give the nothings in your life a chance to become something. :)

Wooden Heart

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

The day I gave up lunch

Bon Iver - Re: Stacks

Press play and please read on.

Let's start this story a few weeks ago when I started my new job. On the exit that I take every day on my way to work, I noticed a homeless woman standing on the corner asking for money...

Now, this lady stuck in my mind. All day long while I worked I would wonder if anyone had stopped, if anyone had given her any money, or how long she was standing there. I wanted to help, for sights like this break my heart....and there she was every day as I drove to work in the morning.

It would frustrate me that I didn't know what I could do about it. I was broke. I had literally no cash on me and since I just started this job, I hadn't even been paid yet. It didn't help matters that I would find myself rationalizing that I really had nothing to give and questioning if this woman was really in need or if she was just standing out there hoping to make a couple of bucks....

Yesterday this finally changed. As I was working, an old man came inside and as I was chatting with him, he mentioned to me that all he had was his credit card for he had just given all his cash to the homeless people on the corner.

This was a (loving, but deserved) smack in my face straight from God himself. This man had just given all his money to some people he didn't even know, who were in need. And here I was, doing nothing, telling myself that they didn't really need my help.

Last night as I laid in bed, all I could think about was how much I resemble the rich man in Mark 10, Luke 18, and Matthew 19. In some areas of my life I follow God so willingly and joyfully. Yet when it comes to other things...am I really following God? I say I am, but if God asked me to sell everything I own, & give to the poor would I do it? Or would I walk away like the man in these passages?

I didn't like that I was calling myself a follower of God, when people right in front of me were starving while I did nothing, even though I had plenty.
I realized last night that it's not my job to question if this woman is really in need or if she just wants some extra cash.
My job is not to just sit & pray yet to take no action.
My job is to use the resources God has given me, to bless others. To give my time, my money, my love, and God...to others. Even when it's costly for myself.
That is what God has called me to do.

I love James 1:27, especially in The Message translation...
"Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world"

This is what Christianity is.

Last night as I laid in bed I asked God for the ability to bless someone tomorrow. To put someone else's needs above my own & for the blessing of seeing God work.

Today - I woke up for work & rushed along, grabbing my things. Anxious and nervous of what the next hour was going to bring. As I drove to work in prayer, I transferred my lunch that I bring to work every day from my cooler into a brown paper lunch bag - Only a turkey sandwich, carrots & peas, a cookie, & a bottle of water.

I found that my mind was starting to worry - what if the lady wasn't there today. Or what if she just wanted money? Or what if she didn't accept food? What if she was offended? What if she wasn't even hungry?

As I exited onto that exit, I whispered a prayer and rolled down my window. There she was. To get to her I had to pull into the left lane, even though my work site requires a right turn. As I got close to her, God answered my worries as she was holding a sign that said "molested and hungry." She would accept my food.

I pulled next to her and with a smile I told her, "I know this isn't much, but I'd like you to have this lunch." With tears in her eyes, she smiled back at me and gladly accepted it, saying thank you and God bless you to me. I took the left turn and drove a ways before I turned around to get back to work. As I drove past her again to get to work, I saw her sitting there, on the curb, eating my lunch as if she hadn't eaten in a very long time.

In that moment, I felt God. I think I was more blessed in that moment, then she was. God had given me the opportunity to bless someones life. To love someone with His love...That is not something to take lightly.

I am now determined to bless this lady as much as I can.

God has placed it on my heart to give up my daily lunch, for her sake. I can easily give up my lunch to provide for someone who doesn't get to have lunch. So for the rest of this summer, I will continue to head to work a little early in order to bless this woman with my brown bag of lunch.

While I am at work & begin to grow hungry, I will use that time to pray for her and for others, & I will see what God can do.


Final Thoughts I am not writing all this to feel good about myself or to brag and make people think I'm a good person.

(because I'm not)

I am merely writing this in hopes that you will be inspired to do something similar. To step out of your normal pattern and bless someone else. To put someone else's needs above your own and to allow God to use you.

God used that man who gave his money to get my attention, and I hope this will do the same for you.

Luke 4:18 (The Message)
God's Spirit is on me;
he's chosen me to preach the Message of good news to
the poor,
Sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and
recovery of sight to the blind,
To set the burdened and battered free,
to announce, "This is God's year to act!"
He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the assistant, and sat down. Every eye in the place was on him, intent. Then he started in, "You've just heard Scripture make history. It came true just now in this place."

If - Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Iridescent - Linkin Park

Well, the day 2 question is... "where would you like to be in 10 years?"

In 10 years I will be 31. Honestly, I've kinda given up on planning. If you'd had asked me this a few weeks ago I could have answered, I though I knew where I would be 10 years from now, but that pretty much changed over night. So all I can say is, 10 years from now I hope I'm where I'm supposed to be. And I hope that involves traveling. & running lots of marathons.

anyway

TODAY - I worked my normal shift, then I headed off to MOA to meet up with my friend Mike. We grabbed dinner together and just caught up on life. We made the mistake of walking through some chocolate store in the mall and came out with a really good deal of lots and lots of chocolate. I just ate a whole bunch of mine and am now not feeling the best. A good run will be needed tomorrow.

It was good to see him again and just chill out at the mall for a bit to get my mind off things.

Breaker's Commission

For Today is a band that has always inspired me. They speak/sing/scream/live pure honesty & pure worship to God. I will probably share much more from them in the future, as they have impacted so much of my life. But for today (no pun intended) I will just share the song that has been on my mind today. It's called "Breaker's Commission". Here are the lyrics. Don't skim them, take time to think over them, it will blow you away.


Life
Love
Forgiveness
Acceptance
Stripping demons right off my back trying to leach life off me,
get off me and feel my father's fury and oppressor.
One day you'll feel the full blast of his vengeance, bells above but for now I'll love.
Cause I got strength.
He blew courage in my backbone.
Now I'll stand straight and militant lining up in Jehovah’s battalion,
knowing you can't challenge him so we march forward.
Swift as eagles, set like talons ready to grip souls from your grass, slick snake in a crass my Lord sees you and vengeance is his.
But for now I retaliate,
propelled by a holy man made to heal ‘cause I know how bad it hurts.
Full of madness at first but now
gladness bursts out the seams of our beings ‘cause we overflow with the oil of joy
the ointment of the anointed
mending any torn soul
healing any broken bone
He is here.
He was there.
He is peace.
He is faith.